I’m waving the white flag. Again. I’ve been here before. It would have been much better if I’d waved it a few days ago. So it’s been a rough few days. I’ve struggled, fought, complained and disputed with our Father. I’ve been far from possessing that gentle and quiet spirit that is precious in His sight. Oh how the verses we’ve been memorizing have crept back into my life and convicted me. I wish I could say I won’t be here again. I live in this body of flesh and the struggle will always be there but I pray that next time I will wave the white flag, bow my head, bend my knee much sooner.
I just want things to change. I look at this season in my life and find it so very hard to walk in the priorities that I know the Lord desires I walk in as a woman. How can I do it all? Now sometimes as we evaluate how our lives measure up to the Lord’s priorities for us, we have to step back and say no to what is interfering with doing His will. But there are those times when there seems to be hardly anything we can remove. I’m in the midst of such a season. I’ve asked Him what to remove and the answer is always nothing. I’ve stopped asking. But I haven’t stopped trying to convince Him that it is impossible. I haven’t stopped pleading my case. I know He doesn’t desire to change my circumstances to accomplish His will in my life. I know that He wants to change me. But I’ve not given up the fight. I have periods when I’m surrendered or seem to be and then I find myself where I was this week. I just want things to change so that it’s easier. None of it makes sense but He knows what He is doing. I have to trust Him.
Through the battle this week, He’s been right there. From start to finish His hand has been upon it. Wherever I turned, there was His message. I’d love to be able to say that I immediately embraced it wholeheartedly. But my heart was hard; my anger overflowing at being in this place. Truly as I look back there are a lot of worse places to be. How silly my fight.
His message came through my husband. He reminded me that God’s power works best in my weakness and that God satisfies our desires in His time.
It was the sharing of the word surrender by a friend who had no idea I needed to hear that.
I was admonished to consider Him as the surrendered servant and Savior and reminded I have to give up my right to complain. Remember Philippians 2:14-15 from a few weeks ago. I was disputing and complaining to my Creator and to others about His will for my life.
Next I was reminded of words I had read from Wayne Grudem concerning a gentle spirit. He said that gentle means ‘not insistent on one’s own rights’ or ‘not pushy,’ ‘not selfishly assertive, not demanding one’s own way’. In the KJV, the word meek is used for gentle. I found this at blueletterbible.org: “Meekness toward God is that disposition of spirit in which we accept His dealings with us as good, and therefore without disputing or resisting.” Gulp…
And if that wasn’t enough, I received a list of resolutions in the mail from The Resolution for Women by Priscilla Shirer this week. The first resolution is “I do solemly resolve to embrace my current season of life, and will maximize my time in it. I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my journey but will live with a spirit of contentment.”
In this battle, the greatest benefits have been seeing Him. I am thankful that He has been faithful this week. I am thankful that He is patient and longsuffering. I am thankful that I can honestly pour out my heart and feelings. I don’t have to pretend that all is okay within me. He knows. But I do need to turn and embrace Him and His will for my life. I am thankful that He forgives me with I repent.
Had I turned right away when the word surrender crossed my path, my week would have been much different. Battling is such a waste of time and effort and truly leads to walking in a depressed state. It affects not only us but others. There is hope. It’s just a wave of that white flag as we surrender our will to His and repent. Do you need to wave it today?